The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
