I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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