anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
