I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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