I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
