Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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