anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize