im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
