I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
