someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
