I wish I only lived at night.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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