Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
