At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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