i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I need water and some morals
jump out the window naked night went bad
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
