I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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