I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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