I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
