everyone is single if you try hard enough
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Four minutes until I can fart!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
