last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
