Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
