my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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