Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
