I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
