I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
