I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
