2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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