I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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