I just threw up on my dentist
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. đŚ
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
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