Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
