A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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