I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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