im about as happy as oj after his trial
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I wear drunk well.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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