My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
