I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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