My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
