Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
