How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
