You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
