Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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