I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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