Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The Wolf of Wall Street āI aināt fuckinā leaving!ā speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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