What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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