my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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