you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
