This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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