i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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