Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
