i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
