Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
