so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
