Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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