did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize