Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
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