Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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