Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
