What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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