Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
In America we eat man semen.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
