I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
