EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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