i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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