If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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