the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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