grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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