I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize