so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
