Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
