State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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