It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize