im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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