We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
