My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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