time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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